Friday, October 10, 2008

Feed Your Boredom

I was told today that it's best for me to be working when I can because it" beats sitting around watching tv and feeding your (stops what she is about to say and laughs) boredom". Ouch...

I would like to say that I have a thick skin when it comes to my feelings being hurt, but in all honesty, I don't. I can say that what others say about me does not affect how I feel about myself, but this is not true. If you want to get me where it hurts, then talk about my weight. There's nothing worse to tell me or to make fun of me than by razzing me about my weight.

I started taking the FDA-approved alli pills the day before yesterday, and so far, so good. I hate that there are others out there who just want to sabotage the way that I feel and make me want to believe that I really should not try. It hurts deep.

On a side note, though...I had a Chick-Fil-A sandwich with a fresh fruit cup on the side for lunch about an hour ago. At least I am feeling better about the decisions that I make and know that I am eating out of hunger and not boredom.

I want to really say " screw you" to some people, but in the end, it's not worth I will allow myself to feel the hurtful remark for only a short while, and then move on...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Beginnings of the Beautiful Disaster

Hello to everyone who reads this, and thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I've dedicated this blog to my weight loss journey, and what a hell of a ride it has been! I have seen ups and downs..been on the soup diet, smash fat diet, abuse-diet-pills-diet ( oh, what? That one doesn't really exist?? LOL), all to which provide temporary solutions, but do not offer the weight loss results and support that I truly need.

I am 28 and obese. There, I said it. In the last 6 years, I have gained 100 pounds. It terrifies me to even write that down, and to stick it all out here, but I know that it's time for me to "get real" and to truly grab a hold of my body.

When I as 21, my highest weight was 190. I was terrified of becoming 200 pounds that I abused diet pills ( hello Metabolife! Anyone remember those effiderine -riddled suckers??). I dropped almost 40 pounds in 3 months. I was living at home at the time, and my mother kept questioning if I was on drugs or not. She had good reason to be concerned. I took the maximum dosage of pills a day ( I think it was 6) and would be so wound up from the effedirene that I could not sleep at night. It would be 2 in the morning, and I would turn on my tv and work out to my Tae Bo tapes. I quit soda cold turkey, and only drank unsweet tea. My diet consisted of nothing but salads...taco salads, chef salads, cobb salads...I ate tons of them. I looked and felt wonderful. I received compliments all of the time. I went from a size 18 to a size 12, pretty much a 10 when I quit taking the pills. What they say is true, soon as you stop taking the pills, you will gain back twice as much as you lost.

The rest of my weight loss journey parallels the perils that I have been through in my relationship with my partner. We have had tons of ups and downs, but through it all, food was a constant for both of us. I am not blaming our hardships on my lack of accountability for weight management, but it was so much easier to turn to food and eat my sorrows away instead of going for a walk or running off steam.

I should also mention that I am agoraphobic and have severe panic attacks. I don't care to talk about it all too often, because I do not want it to define who I am. I don't want be labeled, let alone beat everyone to the chase by labeling myself. I have had panic attacks for about 11 years now...been to the doctors, but it gets harder and harder to get in there. I work from home as a freelance writer, which is a blessing, because I don't know how else I would make an income. I can go for "car rides" but I do not go into the store. There was a time about 4 years ago where I did not leave our apartment for 3 months straight.

Having agoraphobia makes weight loss all the much harder. I feel that I have placed on this 100 pound fat suit as a means of shielding myself from harm in the "outside" world. I have lost who I am when I look in the mirror. All I see is a girl who is about to turn 30, I beat myself up over my lack of accomplishments, and I see a 100 pound skin suit swallowing me up.

What I do know is this...when I was 100 pounds thinner, I was at the happiest point in my life. I loved wearing cute clothes, had tons of energy, was a total social butterfly. Now, my friends consist of occassional phone calls, e-mails, and family who may stop by once in a while. I want o be back to where I the confident woman that I know that I can be. I know that I can get there with this weight loss.

There are multiple reasons for this blog layout, the blog title and my reasoning for staring this blog. First off, I want to loose the weight and let others who are also struggling with weight, but more importantly, agoraphobics, realize that they can loose weight without leaving home too. I do realize that it takes a large support group to do this, but it CAN be done! Secondly, the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly it, and love her! It is possible to be beautiful and a disaster all at the same time. I think that I am the epitome of that. Lastly, to my Auntie Lorrie, who I lost at all too early of an age....when I was little, she would pick dandylions and have me make wishes and blow the soft white pieces into the wind. When I saw this layout, I knew that she was here with me, encouraging me and letting me know to let it all go...

I have managed to loose some weight so far...10 lbs. It fluctuates, though. I just want to break the 200lb mark and I'll be stoked! :) I do have goals, though..I'd LOVE to be 30 lbs lighter by Christmas, but I'll set a more realistic goal and say 20 lbs! LOL

I'll add a ticker on the side bar for anyone who wants to see my weight loss. I'm also planning on buying a pocket camcorder to record myself for video blog entries and weight loss updates. I type all day for a living, and sometimes typing a blog, too, can feel like too much. LOL Feel free to add my blog to yours...I want this to truly go far as I loose the weight.

I'll update as much as possible...with food meal entries, points eaten that day ( I plan on following the Weight Watchers route), and, of course, exercise.

Here's to the beginning of my new life...I just want to enjoy the ride! :)